Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
