God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
