Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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