Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize