I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
