also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
