I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
