We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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