If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize