i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
