genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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