I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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