Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
