bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
