an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize