Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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