we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
