I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
