got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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