If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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