what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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