I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
