Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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