He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
