twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize