It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
