Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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