I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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