It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
