i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
