Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
