He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize