just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
