I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
