i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
