Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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