What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
