I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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