I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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