I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just invented taco cereal.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
