After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
