Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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