I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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