I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Found the puke drawer
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
