At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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