First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
