T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize