shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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