it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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