At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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