so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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