just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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