I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
