I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
