Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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