someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
its liver damage thursday
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
