I'm really into asian looking animals
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
