i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
