The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
